How did I get so fat

Today Im going to share some of the events that I feel have contributed to my weight issues. Even though Ive already lost 60 pounds, sharing this with you isnt easy. However, I think there is something cathartic in posting these thoughts with all of you. My hope is that someone out there can relate to what Im saying, and they too can see they have hope for a healthier future.

Here goes...

When I was young, from about 6 to 8, my parents marriage wasnt doing so well. They fought constantly. My brothers and I would sit at the top of the stairs and just listen. The word divorce was thrown around for a couple years. And maybe this was in my head, or maybe it was real, but it seemed like when we were eating things were fine. We were a family. My dad would pick me up from kindergarten and take me to Pizza Hut. That was our time. There was no yelling. Just a steaming, cheesy pie.

 I think during those times I somehow gleaned that food brings people happiness. Theres something about eating that calms people down.

When my parents did get divorced and my mom remarried, we ate a lot healthier. My environment was more stable, I got involved in gymnastics. You would think that all this would be the perfect combo for losing my "baby fat." But being the new kid in school and making new friends can be tough.

I remember in 4th grade wearing a size 5 in Juniors. I was always the fat friend. I dont remember getting called names, but I do remember certain situations that seemed to drive me to emotional eating.

My mom would try to get me to exercise with her and eat healthy foods. Honestly, this made me eat worse. I would go to a slumber party and eat 4 pieces of pizza just to spite her.

My friends never really pointed out the fact that I was wearing my moms shirts while they were wearing an extra small from Hollister. But I still felt it. Like that time Sara, Telly and I all dressed up with Saras clothes, and I couldnt fit in anything but a pair of sweat pants, and even then I stretched them out an ruined them.

The way I looked made me feel so alienated. I couldnt share clothes with my friends, but I could share food. We all agreed that crisp bean burritos and Slurpees were the best things since Nsync. Once again I was turning to food to make me feel normal. While I realized the thing that made me feel normal was also the cause of alienation, its what helped me through.

This continued for years. High school came, I got a job, and those awful foods that made me feel normal were so much more accessible. College came and it got worse.

Then last December I went to the doctor and stepped on the scale. 285. I was 20 years old and weighed more than most power forwards in the NBA. When I left the Dr.s office, I picked up a 44 oz soda and curly fries. Another attempt at feeling normal.

For nearly 15 years food was my happy family, it was my friend, it was my boyfriend, it was a shoulder to cry on, it was the way to have fun with friends, it was my confidant.

Today I am divorcing food, turning my back on it, breaking up with it. Im not going to let it control me. It doesnt make me feel normal. It makes me feel out of control and awful. Food shouldnt make me feel anything but nourished and full. It didnt fix my parents marriage. It didnt change the way my friends felt about me, it didnt get me a boyfriend.

I begin my third round of HCG on Sunday. That will mark the beginning of an ending. I will no longer use food in conjunction with emotions. I wont let it alienate me anymore. Normal doesnt come from food. Bring on round three.

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